In the June 2008 issue of the Fertility Flash, Dr. Isabelle Ryan answered a question on how to choose an egg donor from a medical perspective. This month I’ll focus on the psychological aspects of choosing an agency egg donor. As the Marriage and Family Therapist at Pacific Fertility Center, this is a question I address regularly. All PFC patients considering ovum donation will have a complimentary meeting with me

Choosing an egg donor may seem like a daunting and foreign process. You are undertaking an unfamiliar task that you probably never planned on. But now that you are here, it may help to remember that the gene pool is huge. No matter whose gametes create your offspring; your children will be a magical and unique blend of nature and nurture. DNA is not destiny. Your love, your values, your womb, all have an impact on the person your child will become.

I find the following to be helpful reminders as you move forward with choosing a donor:

• The experience of attachment to a child, the feeling of being in love with him or her, happens regardless of whether one or both parents share the child’s DNA.
• Mothers and fathers are the ones that raise and love a child. Donors are the ones that donated or helped.
• Most donors donate for a complex blend of altruistic and monetary reasons.
• Each of our PFC agency donors has a psychological interview with me. In addition they take a psychological test (PAI); this test assists me in assessing not only their personality, but also their honesty and reliability.
• The more stringent your criteria for choosing a donor, the longer it will take to find her.

So, how in the world do you choose a donor?

I think there is a relatively simple answer to this seemingly complex question.

Choose the donor that jumps off the page at you. Choose the donor whom you like best, resonate with, feel a connection to, are impressed by.

That donor may or may not look exactly like you, but she will be someone you might have chosen as a friend or you could imagine as your daughter.

I believe the goal in choosing an egg donor is to be able to look at your child and either say or think to yourself, “we couldn’t use my DNA, but we chose someone we thought was lovely, interesting, attractive, smart, motivated (add the adjectives of your choice) to be our child’s donor. “

Practically speaking, if you have a partner, it may work best to look at donor profiles separately from him or her. After each of you note your favorites, you should then come together and choose from the selections that you both indicated. This process helps assure you both were able to choose without pressure from your partner.

Finally, please remember there is no “perfect donor,” but that does not mean you won’t be blessed with the “perfect child.”

Tags: Egg Donation, Resources, Support

This entry was posted on Friday, August 8th, 2008 at 12:44 pm and is filed under Ask The Experts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.