Each couple must grapple with the decision about whether or not to meet their donor. For some it is a simple decision; for others it may be a longer process. There is no correct answer to the question of whether or not to meet her.

Some recipients feel concerned that by meeting the donor they will be giving up their anonymity or signing on for a long-term relationship with the donor. While it is true that the donor may then be able to identify you in public, there is no identifying information shared, no last names, addresses, college names, etc. And during each meeting we discuss how the recipients would like to handle an unexpected encounter.

Most importantly, there is no expectation of an ongoing relationship with the donor!

Some couples feel complete satisfaction with no face-to-face contact with the donor; for them, not meeting is the best choice.

For those of you considering it, here are some concrete reasons you might want to go forward:

• It will reassure you that your donor is as wonderful as you had hoped;
• It will reassure you that the donor is completely clear that YOU are the parents;
• It will offer you the opportunity to ask questions that weren’t answered on the bio: what kind of baby she was, what are her family members like, etc.;
• You will be able to say an “in person” Thank You to your donor;
• This is the time for a picture with your donor;
• You can discuss how the donor feels about your child contacting her when your child is grown;
• You will be able to tell your child that you met the donor.

At PFC, it has been our experience that the donors love the meetings. It personalizes the experience for them. Instead of a faceless recipient or couple, the donor is working for you, making an already positive experience more special.

The meetings can be enlightening, awkward, touching or funny. What they all share is that they are memorable!

Following Halloween, the holiday season suddenly looms. Excited children, crowded stores, decorations, and holiday parties are all set to descend on us. Yet because the winter holidays tend to celebrate families and children, these usually joyous occasions can bring up painful feelings when you are struggling to create and celebrate with a family of your own. In order to feel as good as possible during the holidays, you will need to develop some good holiday coping skills. Coping is “developing the ability to manage in a difficult situation.” Here are a few suggestions. Use whichever of these suggestions seems helpful to you. Do what feels right for you.

DO: Give up any and all feelings of guilt for how you are feeling. There is no right or wrong way to experience infertility. Your feelings may run the gamut from indifference to intense anger and despair and everywhere in between.
DO: Reach out to childfree friends. Their parties will be adult-focused.
DO: Choose the gatherings you attend carefully. If you are upset by being around children or babies gracefully decline invitations to events where they are likely to be present. Know your limits and stick with them.
DO: Think of non-child centered holiday rituals. Take a vacation. Eat at a fancy restaurant.
DO: Continue to get moderate amounts of exercise. Eat healthy and get plenty of rest. You will feel better if you treat your body with care.
DO: Shop for the holidays online or from catalogs. You will avoid mall madness.
DO: Attend religious services at the time when there will be the least number of children. Or attend on a university campus, as those services tend to be more adult focused.
DO: Volunteer at a nursing home or homeless shelter. It may help to help others having a difficult time at the holidays.
DO: Plan for how you will answer uninvited questions about when you’re going to have children. Remember, you are not required to tell them your entire “story!”
DO: Meet and talk with others who are experiencing similar feelings. Finding that you are not alone helps. DO: Communicate with your partner to let him/her know of your feelings. If you are single, call a friend with whom you feel safe to share your feelings.