My husband and I never thought having a family would be a struggle.  His siblings and my cousins were all VERY fertile… why shouldn’t we be the same?  Little did we know, as we said our “I Do’s”, that a condition called endometriosis was wreaking havoc on my reproductive organs.

Such was its devastation, that our 1^st pregnancy was an ectopic, resulting in the rupture of one of my fallopian tubes.  Had we not gotten to surgery in time I could have died.  My husband still reels from the memory of me handing him my wedding ring as they wheeled me into surgery. 

My doctor at the time didn’t see my other symptoms, (missed menses, constipation, heavy menses) and the ectopic as a problem.  The solution therefore was to put me on Clomid.  After a year of trying, a family member recommended finding a new doctor. 

My new doctor stated that my symptoms were consistent with endometriosis but could not be certain without “going in” to make sure.  Thus began the 1^st of 8 laparoscopies (over 6 years) to “clean me up”.  I had 2 surgeries in one month. My endometriosis was so bad that I had organs being pulled together.  After the 1^st surgery my doctor had me begin the Clomid regimen. After 4 cycles of treatment she said that I would need IVF to get pregnant.  Here is where the true shock began.   

My husband and I live modest lives… I’m a Kindergarten teacher and he works in construction.  Although we lived comfortably, the cost of IVF seemed unattainable.  We discussed our options.  IVF meant no more vacations, no more upgrades to our home, and no more “let’s buy it” spending.  It also meant facing the dark reality that we may never have children.  After getting our finances in order we visited the Pacific Fertility Center in San Francisco, which our doctor had recommended.  It was a good visit and was our first step.  We made our plans to undergo IVF that summer, when I would be off from school. 

When the medications arrived we were in awe at the number of needles we had.  We were ready to begin this process… I had but one condition… since I was the receiving the injections, my husband had to give them.  I felt it only fair and would enable him to be very involved in the whole process.  He cried before giving me the first shot in my stomach.  He said he didn’t want to hurt me.  So I cupped his head in my hands and said, “If we want to have a baby, you have to give me the shot”.  He did.  I really didn’t have that many side effects.  What was more bothersome was the bruising and pain at the injection sites.  Of course as blood work and ultrasounds were done along the way, more meds were needed, bye- bye money.  Unfortunately, round 1 was unsuccessful and we discovered that I was not a top egg producer.  Of course my hubby had no problems with his soldiers… it was all me.  Ugh!  I think we had some extra embryos and did a frozen cycle right after… but to no avail.  Since we were committed to not only sticking to IVF but, also only doing it during the summers we had time not only to regroup, but save money.  Sadly, round 2 was also a dud.

For round 3 we had 3 embryos implanted.  And on 7-7-07 we discovered I was pregnant.  My husband said the date was a sign of good luck.  We were so happy and relieved.  We were finally going to expand our family.  Each month went by with no problems.  We had some stress… my work life was getting chaotic and my father was being a difficult patient recovering after heart surgery.  But my pregnancy was flawless.  On week 20 we discovered we were having a boy and by the end of the evening we had named him Lucius. 

However, one week later, while talking with some parents at school about the Halloween Parade guidelines, my water broke.  Even now I weep remembering that very moment.  The hospital sent me home to wait it out, hoping the hole would close.  However, by the third day I developed a fever and was going septic.  I had to deliver my little boy.  I begged with the doctor for a way to save my baby.  She said the waiting 4 more weeks until his lungs might be mature enough for survival was not possible since now I was also in danger.  There I was in the maternity ward waiting to deliver a dead baby. 

All I could think of was that I had failed my husband again.  In the months that followed I wished I had died with my baby.  I felt it was the only way I would feel less of a failure and the pain from my loss would be gone.  My husband would hold me and remind me that if he’d lost both of us he would be all alone.  I even offered to let him divorce me so he could find a wife that would be able to give him children.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen him as angry as when I said that.  He was willing to keep trying if I was.  And he felt that if we couldn’t have a child, then that’s just the way it would be.

So along came rounds 4 and 5, both of which failed.  The strain of infertility on our marriage was slight… but was there.  We were lucky to be able to talk it out.  What was difficult was the loss of Lucius.  There was pain there that lingered in each of us in different ways.  My husband started drinking more than usual and I found myself very resentful of others that had children/babies.  Amazingly, we made it through, pulling each other out of it.

When round 6 came along, with all we had been through, neither of us really expected it to succeed.  But amazingly we struck gold and were on our way to a family again.  However, this time we were on pins and needles.  I honestly don’t think I would have mentally survived another loss.  So we took every precaution possible, my mom even went to work with me 2-3 days a week to help out.  After the first trimester I decided that to be afraid was unfair to my unborn child.  Therefore, we started planning for this baby.  Registering and decorating.  Once we discovered we were having a girl… OMG!  Our joy could not be contained.  Every doctor visit that pronounced us healthy was fantastic.

Other than gestational diabetes, everything was great. Our little Lyra was born March 13, 2011 weighing 7lbs. 8 oz. and 20.5 in. long.  She was perfect!  We were perfect!

So after 10 years of trying, 6 years being IVF, 3 acupuncturists, body talk therapy, an ectopic pregnancy, and our Angel Baby Lucius, our family is now complete.  When I gaze into Lyra’s eyes and see her in awe of me I know she was worth all the sacrifices and tears.    

- Martina & Leandro

I liken our fertility journey to the story of the woman who thought she was traveling to Oakland, California but got off the plane in Auckland, New Zealand.  We, too, thought we were in for a much shorter trip! We had achieved a pregnancy naturally the very first time we tried, a pregnancy that ended in a painful miscarriage five weeks later. Despite the emotional setback, I followed the lead of my gynecologist and other friends and family members who said that the fact of conception was a very good sign. My husband and I overcame our grief and assumed the stance that having a baby would come rather easy for us. At the time of our pregnancy, I was 33 years old and he was 37.

We tried to conceive again on our own for a year following the miscarriage. Then we sought external help. We underwent fertility analyses to determine what might be getting in the way of another pregnancy and discovered a problem with sperm motility and morphology. We engaged in Eastern medicinal treatments, using herbs and acupuncture to augment fertility as we geared up for an IUI (Intra-Uterine Insemination). When this was unsuccessful, we decided to switch gears. I was quickly edging towards 35 and my gynecologist agreed that it was better we move quickly. I also felt strongly that I wanted help from a specialist that would take my husband and my situation in a more holistic way.  That is when we found Dr. Herbert at the Pacific Fertility Center.

In November 2009, Dr. Herbert informed us of his analysis that, due to the condition of my husband’s sperm, we would have to resort to IVF to conceive a child. In addition, I would have to undergo a procedure to remove a large uterine polyp that might get in the way of a developing embryo and hence create another miscarriage. My biggest fear- that we would have to undergo invasive and painful procedures to have a baby- had come true. I felt robbed of my dream of a natural conception. My husband felt only lucky that there was a solution to our fertility problems. Our differences in the way we regarded this situation created tension in our relationship. But at each step, he gave me courage and showed me that we would get through this together.

In early January 2010, I checked into the surgery department at the hospital. My husband held my hand tightly and wiped away my tears as we waited for my turn in the operating room. I looked around the surgery prep room and reminded myself that a polyp removal was minor compared to what other people were going through. However, it was the very first time I had an IV in my arm, much less been in the hospital. I was terrified.

The polyp removal, which went well, was a test of my strength. I felt proud of myself for getting through it and began to see it as preparation for the procedures that lay ahead. A few weeks after the removal, we returned to see Dr. Herbert. My uterus had been cleaned out and prepared, and had time to recover. Or so I thought. I was ready to move forward with IVF but the results of the ultrasound showed that my uterus was still not ready.

The months to follow were ones of great introspection for me. For the first time in my life, I was at the mercy of a situation that was completely out of my control. I was humbled. I come from a family of doers who put a great emphasis on perfectionism and achievement. Because of my background, I had always pushed myself hard and been very self-critical, never knowing when I had given enough.

The process of conceiving a child is so different. You don’t get to choose when or how quickly things happen, as the body has a rhythm of its own. The more you push the worse you make the situation. After waiting for a child for almost two years, the final months leading up to IVF felt impossibly long. I was terrified that I was never going to have a baby, and felt unspeakably frustrated and anxious. I had no choice but to master these feelings and allow my body the time to prepare and heal. I also had to trust that this was all part of a process. We would have our baby, but it was going to take time.

In April we were finally cleared to begin using the fertility drugs. The results of our egg retrieval were very fruitful: 30 eggs and 9 embryos. Unfortunately, the results of our embryo transfer were less so. I remember getting the call from the nurses at PFC. “We are so sorry. We know how much this means to you.” To make matters worse, another polyp had formed in my uterus that needed to be removed before we could try again.

I took a huge step back from the fertility process at this disappointing news. I let go entirely and shifted gears, getting back into hobbies and activities that I enjoy but had been pushed to the side in my pursuit of a pregnancy. I hiked, I read, I cooked, I traveled, and I reveled in my relationships with my husband, friends and family. Sometime in late summer, when I felt whole again, I went back to the hospital and had the second polyp removed.  A few months later, my husband and I decided it was time to try another embryo transfer. This time, I was greeted with a “Congratulations” by the nurses at PFC. After two and a half years, we had achieved another pregnancy!

Our baby girl is now 6 weeks old. Difficult as it was, I feel blessed to have gone through what we went through to have her.  It taught me the value of patience, and the hard lesson that we don’t always get to have what we want when we want it. It has also allowed me to be more kind to myself, which helps me be more in the moment with my baby. Most importantly, I learned that sometimes you need to take steps back to move forward, and that all steps, no matter how small, are still steps in the right direction. Now that’s something even our baby girl will appreciate!

-RLS

Article originally written by Erica Reder and was published in The New Fillmore.  Article was slightly shortened for length.  To read the complete article and to see pictures, click here.

It’s 7:30 on a Tuesday evening, and nearly every seat in Dino’s Pizza at the corner of Fillmore and California is taken. Couples and families crowd the tables, sharing pizzas, draft beers and sodas. Three television screens broadcast the Tennessee-Vanderbilt basketball game, while mob movie stills and portraits of famous athletes stare out from the walls.

But the newest decoration hangs from the balcony. It’s a blue blanket that proclaims: “BABY BOY.”

Owner Dino Stavrikikis struts among the diners, his photo-loaded iPhone at the ready. Customers gush over pictures of the month-old baby named Santino, while the proud father regales them with tales from the crib. “I really love talking about this story,” says Dino, who’s on a first name basis with nearly everyone in the neighborhood. “I talk about it 10 times a day.”

Santino Vasili Stavrikikis was born on January 22. But the story began a year and a half ago, when the 50-year-old bachelor set his sights on becoming a father.

“There wasn’t one specific day that it hit me and I said, ‘Okay, this is what I need to do,’ ” says Dino. “It was just at this point in my life — you know, you get a little older.”

When the idea of having a son took root, he turned to his customers for advice. “I don’t know what anyone does for a living, but everyone does something,” he says. “So I was kind of throwing out words here and there, and hoping someone would hear me and say, ‘This is where you need to go.’ ”

That moment occurred in August 2009 when friends of Dr. Carl Herbert, a fertility specialist and president of the Pacific Fertility Center, came to Dino’s for dinner. “I started talking about it,” Dino recalls. “They all just stopped eating and said, ‘We have the guy for you.’ ”

Still, Dino admits he had a steep learning curve. “I didn’t know what a surrogate was, I didn’t know what an egg donor was,” he says. “I just kind of knew something about the process.”

And the options seemed overwhelming. He had to choose both an egg donor and a surrogate mother.

But other variables would prove beyond his control. “In January of 2010, within three days my egg donor and carrier fell apart,” says Dino. “I had to start the process all over, start the finances all over. But not once did I think it wasn’t going to happen.”

After losing two egg donors to failed tests, Dino met his best match yet. “Once I met her, I knew she was the right one,” he says of his third, and actual, egg donor.

Searching for a surrogate mother, Dino found the winning combination in a Southern California woman named Dusty Kenney. “We clicked right away,” he says.

Kenney agrees. “I feel really blessed that we found each other because we have such a good connection,” she says. Kenney has a daughter of her own, but she too was new to the world of surrogate pregnancies.

She and Dino kept in close contact throughout her pregnancy, which resulted from the implantation of the donor’s egg fertilized by his sperm. “He would call and check on me probably every other day,” she says. “He would fly down all the time and hang out and he would cook me dinner. He was supportive through the whole process.”

Dino had planned to visit more often as Santino’s February 23 due date approached. “I was going to fly down there on the 15th of February and check into a hotel and just wait it out,” he says. But as it happened, everyone was caught off guard when Santino arrived a month early.

“I got the phone call on the 22nd at 5 in the morning,” Dino recalls. He was there when Santino made his appearance that afternoon at 5:18 at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Beverly Hills.

It completely changed Dino’s life. A man who says he had “never lived with anybody” acquired not one but two new roommates: his baby son and a live-in nanny. “She’s phenomenal,” he says of the nanny. “We’ve really gotten along, and we’re making it work.”

They weren’t so sure a month ago when Dino and the nanny brought Santino up from Los Angeles. “We got home at 6 o’clock on Thursday night,” he recalls, “and we just looked at each other like, ‘Now what?’ It forced us to get into fifth gear right away.”

Santino’s temperament makes things easier. “He’s really patient,” says Dino. “He’s a good sport.”

His surrogate mother agrees. “He just has such a calm, sweet personality,” says Kenney. “He doesn’t cry unless he’s hungry.” She has visited Dino and Santino since the birth, and expects to continue to make regular visits. “I imagine I’ll see them once a month,” she says.

Kenney also has thought ahead. “I would imagine it would be like the role of an aunt,” she says. “I just want to be there for him. I think the more fans a child has when growing up the better.”

The egg donor has yet to meet Santino, but Dino expects that she will. “She lives in Florida, but she wanted to be involved as much as she could,” he says.

In the meantime, Santino gets plenty of attention. “Every day he gets two or three presents from around the world,” says Dino. “Everybody comes in and asks for him. It’s turned out, he’s not my son; I’m his father.”

Those who have yet to meet Santino will have ample opportunity when they stop by for pizza. “I want to bring him more and more and more,” Dino says. “But he’s got to get a little bigger.”

Until then, a message painted on the restaurant windows announces to customers and passersby alike: “Santino has arrived.”

Dino says he plans to take down the signs after Santino’s 40-day blessing, a Greek Orthodox rite that will take place in early March. And he’s already dreaming of Santino’s future. “He’ll definitely be working at Dino’s when he’s really young,” says Dino, “just kind of walking around and helping me out.”

For now, father and son see each other mainly outside of the restaurant. “I have to work,” says Dino, “but my schedule’s really flexible.”

The two have already created some memorable moments. “On Saturday, we hung out and watched The Godfather,” Dino says. In the film, Santino is the first-born son of New York Mafia boss Vito Corleone — and the name, which means “little saint” in Italian, stuck with Dino when he first saw The Godfather 35 years ago.

“Dino means ‘the sword,’ ” says Dino. “So it’s the sword and the little saint, which to me means we’re basically watching each other’s back.”

I was 39 when my husband and I married. We had tried for many months to get pregnant, and finally sought infertility treatment from Kaiser.  Three miscarriages followed, and we decided to stop treatment. Shortly after that, much to our amazement, a month-long vacation in Indonesia turned out to be the fertility treatment we needed I was 41, and the amniocentesis said all was well.  Our son, all 10.5 pounds of him, was born in 1999, when I was 42. 

When no other children made their appearance the old-fashioned way, we turned to Dr. Schriock at PFC, and found an egg donor.  Despite having only three embryos, my husband and I were optimistic. We were delighted when I became pregnant with the last embryo.  It was a tremendous relief for us to get past the first three months of the pregnancy, when most miscarriages occur.  When my husband suggested I have an amniocentesis, I wondered why, since the egg donor was 26 and my husband was 39.  He said he would be more comfortable if we were certain all was well with the baby, so we had the amnio performed when I was about four months along. 

This time the results were not good; the geneticist called on a Thursday evening and told me that the baby had Down syndrome. The odds of this happening with a 26 year old egg donor were about 1 in 1,000.  We were just unlucky.  My husband and I had agreed in advance of the test that we would not bring a special needs child into the world. Grief-stricken, we ended the pregnancy. 

Our IVF miracle had become a tragedy.  Not only had we ended a much-wanted pregnancy, but as this was our last embryo, we had reached the end of the line in our quest for a second child. It was unbelievably painful to have come so close, and then have the outcome we did. When we had decided to pursue egg donation, I knew it was far from certain that we would come home with a baby, but I had felt that it would work out all right for us. To have spent such a tremendous amount of time, money, and emotion, and have it end the way it had was almost too much to bear. 

Mourning the unborn is a lonely business, especially when you have made the decision to end the pregnancy because of a poor pre-natal diagnosis.  We received a number of e-mail condolence notes, a handful of cards, and a couple of calls. We were very glad for these, but they came to a close quickly, and soon we were alone with our grief.

I found comfort in the A Heartbreaking Choice website http://www.aheartbreakingchoice.com/, and in a Kaiser support group for families who had ended pregnancies because of poor pre-natal diagnosis.

Friends advised me to move on; they pointed out that I had put a tremendous amount of time and effort into expanding our family, and now I needed to decide what else to do with that energy. I rejected that line of thought. I had always felt, after our first child, that I had one more good baby left in me, so I broached to my husband the idea of getting another egg donor and trying again. We are not a wealthy couple; my husband works for a non-profit, and I run a small business.  We live in a small, old house.  Our cars are old.  The thought of starting afresh with the payments for another egg donor and the clinical care seemed impossible. 

I approached Dr. Schriock at PFC, and asked if there was help for a couple like us. He replied that PFC offered closed embryo donations; meaning that we could be put in a queue to receive donated embryos, but we would not meet the donors.  This didn’t feel right to my husband and I.  Subsequently, the doctors at PFC offered to treat us at a reduced fee, and the embryo donation agency we had used the first time (Jackie Gorton) did the same.

We chose another donor, and I became pregnant on the first transfer.  My son and I had always been extremely close, and I was a little worried during the pregnancy that, perhaps, I wouldn’t love this child as much as I loved my son.  I didn’t want the fact that she didn’t share my genes to matter, but would it?

The pregnancy was easy, and the day after Christmas, our daughter was born in a lovely natural birth. Kelly weighed in at eleven and a half pounds (making her the biggest non-caesarean baby born at Kaiser Walnut Creek in 2008!)

My worries were unfounded; my husband and I both feel we got the child that was meant for us. We loved her the instant we saw her, and my husband, son, and I enjoy every minute we have with her. Kelly is now two, and she is much like her brother: fun, funny, affectionate, bright, and coordinated.

We went down a long, hard road to build our family; four embryo transfers, three miscarriages, two egg donors, and one ended pregnancy. But after it all, we got our two beautiful children, and life would be so less rich without them.

~~~

Sidebar

We have eight embryos in storage at PFC, and we would like to donate them to a couple that needs them. We would like the embryos to go to a Bay Area couple interested in an open adoption—meaning we would like to have an on-going relationship with the family that the embryos go to. 

Here is a little information about our children.  They are both tall for their age, blonde-haired, blue-eyed, and fair-skinned.  Their ancestry is Dutch, Scottish, French, Irish, Swedish, and Norwegian. The mental and physical health histories of the biological parents are good.

If you are interested in seeing if your family and ours might be a match, please send information about yourselves to mkdonation@gmail.com 

-Anonymous

Our story began about 4 years ago, in all likelihood similar to those couples who ultimately end up seeking help from a fertility specialist.  I had just turned 36 years old and was very happily married.  My husband and I decided to put our triathlon ambitions to the side and start a family. We naively assumed after I stopped birth control pills, we would start trying and would conceive shortly after. After all, we were just in our mid 30s’ and had no underlying health issues.  Unfortunately, a few months later, I was still not having normal menstrual cycles.  But of even greater concern, we received the devastating news that both my husband and I were carriers of a rare form of muscular dystrophy, and our odds of having an affected child would be 25%. 

And so began our emotional and medical “journey”.  Through many conversations, my husband and I recognized that conceiving our own child was a dream that we were not yet ready to concede.  We also wanted to explore any possibility that would allow us to conceive an un-affected child after having seen how my niece’s life was affected by severe muscular dystrophy.  We realized that we would need to seek out the best fertility specialist possible, and thus we found our way to Dr. Givens at Pacific Fertility Center. 

As a physician myself, I had done extensive research on fertility specialists and centers and was hoping that Dr. Givens would be able to help us.  Her credentials were outstanding and were exactly what we sought – a fertility expert specializing in advanced maternal age/decreased ovarian reserve and in PGD (prenatal genetic diagnosis).  After our first meeting with her, I knew that we had made the right choice.  Dr. Givens was extremely knowledgeable, professional and most importantly caring.  She understood that this was a very challenging fertility case, but embraced the chance to help us rather than tell us we should look into adoption.

With Dr. Givens help we were able to set up PGD through a planned IVF cycle.  This treatment plan required a great deal of coordination between Dr. Givens, PFC’s dedicated staff and California Pacific Medical Center’s genetic counselor Laurie Black.  It required months of patience as we waited for “probes” to be built by the PGD center and for the IVF cycle timing to be optimized.  Unfortunately, our first PGD-IVF cycle ended in an early miscarriage.  Dr. Givens remained optimistic and with some changes in our stimulation IVF protocol and using acupuncture, my husband and I were able to conceive during our 2^nd PGD-IVF attempt. We were thrilled!! As the months went by and my belly grew, we became increasingly excited that we were indeed going to be able to have our own unaffected child! About 38 weeks later we gave birth to our beautiful healthy daughter – a gift that words cannot express, as I believe all parents can attest to.  The extreme gratitude that we felt for Dr. Given’s help, perseverance and care during this journey can not quite be expressed in words.  Without her expertise and belief in a successful outcome, we would never have been able to conceive a child.

Within 6 months of having delivered, my husband and I approached Dr. Givens and told her how happy we were as parents and how much we would love to attempt having a second child to complete our family.  We assumed that we would be able to conceive just as we had the first time, as I was only a little bit older.  Again, I was proven naïve.  I had not realized that even 1-2 years could affect my ovarian reserve as much as we soon discovered.  The stimulation protocol we had used with our first daughter’s conception, this time produced only ½ the amount of follicles and eggs.  The quality of the embryos was also clearly less. We attempted 3 additional cycles: a frozen cycle (we had one embryo left from our initial attempt) and 2 fresh cycles. Quite tragically, we felt, we lost the second conception at around 6 weeks and then lost a twin pregnancy at around 8 weeks. The loss of miscarriage is indescribable. We realized that from a financial standpoint, we would not be able to continue attempts at IVF indefinitely.

Again, Dr. Givens advice was instrumental in helping us through this difficult time.  She expressed concern that our miscarriages were from poor quality embryos (genetic trisomy/monosomy/etc) and not from my own inability to carry a pregnancy.  She recommended that we give consideration to doing full aneuploidy screening of our embryos in addition to PGD – something that had only recently been medically possible.  Thanks to her expertise and connections with other experts in the field, we were enrolled in a clinical trial with GSN.  They were able to build probes again for our specific muscular dystrophy mutation and offer aneuploidy testing on all of our embryos.  We subsequently did our last fresh IVF cycle, this time with both PGD and full aneuploidy screening. We had a total of 10 embryos and only 1 was identified as being unaffected and with a full set of chromosomes.  We prayed that this sole embryo would implant – quite skeptical admittedly given that only one was transferred and with our daughter’s conception we had put in more.  Our prayers were answered!  We are now 30 weeks pregnant and additional testing done via amniocentesis has confirmed all of the PGD/aneuploidy test results.  My husband, daughter and I are all eagerly awaiting the birth of our second daughter in early February.

I hope that our story helps those out there who may have felt any of the things we experienced in our journey to create a family.  I learned not only to “never give up” on a dream, but that being cared for by someone like Dr. Givens is the only way for such a dream to become a reality.

-Anonymous

Update: On January 27th, 2011, our patient, the fist at PFC to undergo embryo biopsy for both genetic disease risk and chromosome analysis, gave birth to a healthy baby girl.  She weighed in at 6 lbs., 6 oz. and was 19 3/4″ long.  Congratulations to everyone involved in this success story!

Andy and I married in June of 2008.  I was just turning 39 and we tried to conceive a child “the old fashioned way” for a year  before working with PFC. We didn’t expect it to be so difficult as all signs indicated that we would get pregnant.  Andy’s sperm was normal and my FSH was good.  When we moved to the IUI and IVF processes, I responded well to the drugs, produced lots of follicles and eggs, we had nice looking embryos, and we were able to do day 5 transfers.  The doctors seemed confident.  But over the course of about 15 months we experienced 2 rounds of IUI, 4 rounds of IVF, and 2 miscarriages. 

Now it is December 2010 and we’re nearing the end of a blissfully uneventful pregnancy.  Our baby boy is due to arrive on New Year’s Eve!  It looks like our story will have a happy ending, but I don’t need to tell you how difficult the journey has been.  Instead, I’m going to try to share a little bit about how we got through it all, in the hopes that it might give you some ideas or a new perspective for your own experience.

First, Andy and I knew we wanted to be parents. We absolutely knew it would happen for us, one way or another.  Although our first preference was to have “our own” child, it was only a preference.  We both knew that if IVF did not work out for us with my own eggs, we would go the route of an egg donor.  If necessary, we knew we would move to adoption.  Starting a family was our priority and our dream.  We believed that whatever baby came into our lives, that baby would undoubtedly be the baby we were meant to parent, and we would love our baby no matter what.  Have you ever heard the Buddhist saying, “Don’t be attached to any particular outcome”?  It became one of our mantras and allowed us to stay focused on the big picture plan, as opposed to the various routes or paths that might be part of that overall plan.

Teamwork was another essential element of our journey.  I’m lucky because Andy is very detail-oriented, patient, and he was completely on board with the program.  I’m more emotional. I have a short attention span, I like information in summary format, and I can manage a calendar like nobody’s business.  We make a great team because I could endure the shots and stay on top of all those doctor appointments, but keeping track of the drugs, the dosages, the ordering—that was all Andy.  At first, I worried that we would run out of a drug that we’d need, and we wouldn’t realize it until it was too late.  However, thinking like that made me nuts.  Soon we developed a system where Andy managed all the prescriptions and ordering, he prepped my needles with the right dosages, and he tracked what we were supposed to do each day.  I did my own injections and dealt with the side effects.  Those were our roles.  I didn’t want to have to think about the details.  By relying on Andy to “manage the minutia,” I was able to stay more relaxed and less stressed.

Finally, I had an epiphany that, in order for this process to be successful, I’d have to stop expecting infertility to somehow fit into my life.  I don’t know about you, but I was pretty overwhelmed by all we had on our plates.  At first, I was trying to squeeze in my appointments with PFC and with my fertility acupuncturist, while maintaining a calendar filled with dinners with friends, a busy work schedule, and a significant amount of travel. It’s no surprise that I was tired and stressed out, but I also became very resentful.  I was seeing a fertility acupuncturist on a weekly basis, yet I was annoyed that she recommended I take herbs and make changes to my diet.  I was frustrated as I tried to find time for all the appointments at PFC. Then, one night I was crying and sharing my frustrations with Andy, and he helped me see things differently.  He said that none of this was going to work if I didn’t fully embrace what we were doing.  I had to take the herbs with a positive attitude and whole-heartedly believe in the power of both eastern and western medicines.  Otherwise, what was the point in going through it all?  I realized that my bad attitude could have the power to neutralize all we were doing and I had to shift my mindset, accept that this was our path, and surrender to the process.  I created a big opening in my life so that there would be space for the infertility and all the energy it would take to tackle it.  I stopped traveling, dramatically reduced my social commitments, and spent much more time resting and “nesting” at home.  This was really difficult for me as an extrovert, but it became so much easier to make the right decisions and to more graciously accept what was required of me.

The last thing I would like to mention is that we were not secretive or private about our challenges with infertility.  I’m used to being pretty open with my friends, and I think it helped us to reach out to people for support during our ups and downs. One friend in particular, who had gone through her own IVF process, was reading some message boards online and found out about a new form of preimplantation genetic testing that she thought might be helpful to us.  We brought it up to Dr. Chenette and he was happy to give it a try since our prior IVF rounds produced seemingly good embryos, but failed to result in a viable pregnancy. So, on our 3^rd round of IVF, on day 3 we had 12 great looking embryos.  PFC biopsied all 12 and Gene Security Network ran a full analysis of all 23 sets of chromosomes.  On day 5 we showed up to transfer the best ones.  We were excited because we would know which embryos were genetically viable and which were not.  As we waited to see Dr. Givens, we wondered whether we would have 2 or 3 embryos to transfer.  But when Dr. Givens entered the procedure room, we could tell something was wrong.  We were told that all 12 of our embryos were genetically defective and none were viable for transfer.  Worse yet, because all of them possessed defects from the maternal chromosomes, it was recommended that we stop trying to conceive with my eggs and to think about alternative paths.  It seemed that this path had come to an end.  None of our embryos were good and there was no point in trying to make any more.  The news was devastating for us.

Andy and I went to a dark place for a few weeks.  But I’m happy to say that after talking and crying and praying about our situation, we came out of the darkness fully ready to embrace the process with an egg donor as soon as possible.  But first, we wanted to do the same preimplantation genetic testing on the 4 frozen embryos we had saved from our 2^nd round of IVF.  As expected, 3 of those embryos were genetically defective, just like the 12 from our 3^rd round of IVF.  But, we also experienced a miracle: one of those embryos was a genetically perfect boy.  He was my last hope to have a baby with my own genetic make-up.  Amazingly, he survived the freeze and the thaw, and survived the biopsy for the testing.  We transferred him in April and today I hit 37 weeks of pregnancy.  He is now considered full term and we are excited to meet him soon!

So, that’s our story.  I know we all have one.  Andy and I wish you the very best as you pursue parenthood and aim to build your family in whatever way makes sense for you. 

~Andy and Susan Nelson

Update:

“Our son was born on 12/30/10 at 12:20 am.  His name is Boden, he weighed 6 lbs. 15 oz. at birth, was 20” long, and is completely healthy.”

My husband and I have been riding the infertility roller coaster for almost 3 years now. The ups and downs have included invasive diagnostic testing, four failed intrauterine inseminations (IUIs) and most recently an unsuccessful in-vitro fertilization (IVF) attempt. Each wave of excitement over the hope brought on by the next treatment cycle would come crashing back down with the negative news. While I am confident I am receiving the best possible medical care with the team at PFC and am keeping “hope frozen in time” with my frozen embryos, it can still be a hard road to travel.

Considering my first attempt at IVF failed, you would think I would be at the lowest point of my journey towards parenthood. But, amazingly, I am not. I am sharing my story to tell you how I survived the ups and downs and was able to feel more grounded and

Lisa Wickham.

regained a sense of control in my life while continuing treatment.

This is what saved me: A powerful combination of group support and mind/body techniques.

My PFC acupuncturist (seeing tears stream down my face) recommended a Mind/Body class to help ease my obvious difficulty in coping with the emotional stress I was under. This was huge. This was the first step I would take in reclaiming my 0ormer self. What are Mind/ Body techniques? They are tools including deep breathing, meditation, guided imagery, progressive muscle relaxation, cognitive reframing, light yoga, tai chi and journaling exercises. My first thought was, “Will this be too ‘new age-y’ for me?” I could barely comprehend the fact that I was doing acupuncture regularly, let alone meditate.

The great thing about Mind/Body is that it is a tool box, so you pick what works for you. I never really did learn to meditate, but the regular use of relaxation CDs for deep breathing, muscle relaxation and guided imagery has given me profound peace of mind. Cognitive reframing (learning to recognize destructive thoughts and “reframe” them) was also powerful for me. I used to hear a tape playing in my head over and over, “I’ll never get pregnant, I’ll never get pregnant”. I learned to challenge the truth of that statement and rethink how it made me feel. A 10-week Mind/Body course I took was a key turning point. PFC offers a one-day workshop that offers an introduction to Mind/Body and is free for patients.

The other key component to my peace of mind has been meeting others who “get it”. It’s hard to explain to someone not experiencing infertility themselves just how this takes over your life. Well-meaning family and friends try to understand, but they truly cannot. Only my best friend, who also experienced difficulty in trying to conceive “got it”. That is, until I did my first IUI. Having to explain washed sperm to her and describe what it’s like to have your legs in stirrups as the washed sperm is inserted into you was beyond depressing. I knew I needed to meet others going through similar situations.

Lisa and Jonathan Wickham.

I attended my first Open Path group support meeting last year and had no idea what to expect. I only knew I needed to at least talk to someone else who knew what an IUI was. Open Path (fertilityandadoption.com) is a Bay Area organization that provides regular group support. There I met two amazing women and we are now a larger group of women who meet regularly and support each other over email, coffee and even cocktails in between cycling. We are a Sisterhood of Infertility. We all have different stories whether doing IUIs, IVF, using donor eggs, considering a gestational carrier or considering adoption. We have different personalities, some are quiet, some are loud, some blog their innermost thoughts to the online world (google “Stirrup Queens”), some are “closeted” with their infertility secret to all but a few. But our common thread is infertility. We all wear the red, pomegranate string around our wrists as a reminder that we are not alone (you can google “infertility’s common thread” to read more about this). We support each other when we are down and we celebrate our victories (small and large) together. While most of us could not find it in ourselves to feel happiness for friends we had known all our lives that got pregnant, we were able to give loud cheers of joy when one our IF Sisters did. This was healing beyond words. And this gives us hope.

I’ve heard the statistics about Mind/Body and group support increasing pregnancy success odds, but, for me, even more important than getting pregnant, was the peace of mind that came.

My hope is that my story can, in some way, help bring peace of mind to someone else as they navigate their own path. You are not alone. You do not have to do this alone. And there are concrete ways you can make yourself feel significantly better while undergoing treatment.

Try these resources for more information:

• Mind/Body @ PFC – pacificfertilitycenter.com/support/relax_workshop
• Open Path – fertilityandadoption.com
• Resolve – resolve.org
• Resolve support group listings: http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=npac_peer_groups

— Lisa Wickham, Current PFC Patient, San Francisco, CA

Steve and I met and fell in love in our twenties. We both thought we would want children “some day.” Eleven years later we realized “some day” had finally arrived. I was thirty-six then, but I never thought we would have any problems conceiving. My mom had three children in her late thirties and into her forties.

After six months with no success, my doctor ran the usual tests and found nothing wrong, so my OB recommended going to PFC. We did one IUI, then decided to move on to IVF. My first IVF cycle failed. We were preparing for the second when we were delighted to findout I was pregnant naturally. I gave birth to a healthy baby boy.

We wanted more children, and as it had taken two and a half years to conceive Alan, we decided to start trying again straight away. We weren’t so lucky this time, so after 18 months we were back at PFC talking to Dr. Givens about doing IVF again. Then we discovered a new problem – my FSH was now elevated. So, now I also had decreased ovarian reserve in addition to unexplained infertility.

We tried four cycles of IVF with my own eggs. I did get pregnant on my third cycle, but sadly miscarried at eleven weeks. I was now forty-two and felt it was time to move on.

Now we faced decision time-do we give up, move on to donor egg, or move to adoption? We were both sure we wanted more children, and I felt that by carrying the child I would feel that it was truly mine, even if I didn’t have the biological connection. Oddly enough, it was harder for Steve to move on to an egg donor. But after lots of talking it through, he felt it was the best choice for our family too.

We met with Peggy the PFC counselor, who was very helpful. Dr. Givens thought an egg donor was a great option for us. She said that with a transfer of two blastocysts, our chances of conceiving were about 80%. We ended up with a short list of two potential donors. One was a perfect match on paper—my height, my hair color, my eye color, with the right ethnic background. The second wasn’t such a perfect match, but I just felt a really strong connection to her. I really felt that if we met in real life we would be friends. In my mind I kept going back to something Peggy had said “pick someone you really like”, it was great advice. We went with donor number two, and are very happy with our choice.

Initially everything went well, but then on day three we received a phone call asking us to come in. Our embryos were looking very stressed. Most were grade three with low cell count. We transferred the best three and prayed.

On the day of our beta pregnancy test, Ann (one of the nurses at PFC) called to give us the good news. I was pregnant! Once we saw the heartbeats, we told our son Alan, “Mommy has two babies growing in her tummy,” and he was thrilled. Feeling those babies kicking and squirming around inside, I had no doubt whose babies they were—I might not have provided the eggs, but my body turned those little seven or eight celled embryos into two beautiful children.

The first day Alan got to meet his new brother and sister the look on his face said it all. It was love at first sight. He has made a wonderful big brother, the twins adore him, and our family now feels complete. I feel truly lucky when I look at my three wonderful children. I am very grateful to Dr. Givens and all the wonderful staff at PFC, and especially to our donor.

Some people may wonder, if I love all of my children the same. They have three very different personalities, so I love them all differently; but I do love each one as much as the other. In the words of one of our favorite books, they are “all my favorites.”

—Submitted by Trisha (PFC patient)

Being a single gay dad certainly suggests that I didn’t get pregnant accidentally; my journey into parenting has been a long and deliberate one. Having my 6 month old son and daughter staring up at me all day reminds me that I really did want to do this 25 years ago, but being 50 still does not feel too late. They say it takes a village to raise a child. In my case it took a village to create a child. Thanks to a loving gestational surrogate, and longtime friends as both egg and sperm donors, my dream of parenting has come true.

A difficult pregnancy with many complications somehow made it to 36 weeks and 5 days with Ella weighing 5 lbs 12 ounces and Armstrong (Ari) weighing 5 lbs 11 ounces. Amazingly, at 6 months, they are 19 lbs each and have been sleeping 11 hours a night since week 13. For those of you who are soon to be parents, you will find that’s pretty remarkable. Having hardy and healthy babies is such a blessing. I am forever indebted to Pacific Fertility Center, and Dr. Isabelle Ryan, for their essential roles in helping me achieve parenthood and having a healthy family.

Choosing PFC was not initially an easy decision. It took accessing the CDC nationwide fertility clinic website and comparing the data from clinic to clinic to make me feel confident about picking up the phone and scheduling a first meeting. I really analyzed the data from the clinics carefully, as I was interested in high success rates achieved with high total numbers of embryo transplants.

I had also heard about specific experiences that gay men had had with other local clinics that were less than heartwarming. As an HIV-positive individual, even though I was opting to not undergo sperm-washing to utilize my own genetic material, I did want a compassionate and professional environment in which to pursue my parenting dream.

To be perfectly honest, I had been told by other parents that PFC took a “conservative” approach to achieving pregnancy. Conservative is a term that can be interpreted in many ways. For leftist liberals, like myself, it can somehow seem like a dirty word. However, I have a newfound appreciation for the term. My first surrogate was a lovely married woman with 2 children. She had been a gestational surrogate for a San Francisco couple 2 years prior. They had worked with another local fertility clinic and she got pregnant, rather quickly, with twins. She carried to week 28 and the babies were each under 3 lbs and fortunately survived. I was excited to proceed with her, as we got along splendidly and my priority was finding someone who had her own family and had previous surrogacy experience. PFC screened her and immediately determined that she had an “incompetent cervix”. I had no idea what that meant, though it seemed like the two most incongruous words to ever be placed back to back. Well, an incompetent cervix is a serious matter! I’m supposing that this was not previously diagnosed and was likely the cause of her prior preterm labor and delivery. PFC’s screening saved me a lot of heartache, money and time. I should say that 3 times in a row, to really give it the weight it deserves. I don’t think many people arrive at fertility clinics devoid of heartache, so having a clinician save you from avoidable disaster is an enormous gift.

Having now gone through a twin pregnancy, I more fully understand the roller-coaster process of which I was forewarned. Proceeding with a less than perfect surrogate would have been a tragedy. The second surrogate I found had actually conceived via PFC twice before and would have been a great surromom; but her insurance no longer covered surrogacy. I’m still in constant touch with her and she has nothing but great things to say about her experiences with PFC.

It would be easy for me to find the heart-space to simply rave about PFC. After all, I have the reward of two healthy babies to serve as living proof. For others considering parenting through assisted reproductive technology, there is so much more about my process that is crucial to know. I was insistent, from the get-go, about wanting twins. I had several discussions with Dr. Ryan about the risks that came with carrying multiples. Yes, I’d heard from many people that being a single dad with twins was going to be a “handful”, but the potential clinical complications and risks were not something I’d widely considered. I was 48 years old and didn’t want to go through the process over the course of several years and really wanted at least 2 kids.

Again, if a “conservative” approach is what I got from PFC, the counsel was so very right. My surrogate had previously carried twins and we were both confident that all would go well. We never imagined the complications that did arise during each trimester. It was a very difficult pregnancy. Even with a vaginal delivery, the recovery was tougher than I wish to describe herein. Everything I’d been told by PFC was absolutely accurate. Knowing what I know now, I would say that I, while not at all cavalier, was filled with excitement and anticipation that had me driving full speed through a string of yellow lights. Trust me; I drive now more carefully with twins on board.

Not a day goes by without my being awestruck by the wonder of my children. I have to say that, so far, this has not been a daunting experience. Maybe I have easy babies. Maybe being highly organized has provided them with the structure and consistency that I was told was essential to parental sanity. I’m not sure what it takes to be a great dad, but certainly the desire to parent was a good start towards just being a good dad. Certainly, being 50 has made me a bit more patient and knowledgeable than I might have been as a 20 or 25 year old dad. Being 50 also makes me appreciate having gotten pregnant on the first embryo transfer. At the time, every passing month was just another month of living without the children I knew I was going to have. It seemed like lost time. I heard the clock ticking; I felt the pangs of desire growing.

As crazy as it may sound, hardly a day goes by without my thinking about going back to PFC, thawing my remaining embryos and giving it another go. Through all the obstacles, PFC gave me a sense of direction, a grasp of the reality that I faced and clear information with which to proceed. Perhaps the confidence that I felt in PFC’s expertise has given me a residual optimism that makes me feel willing to try again. For the moment, Armstrong and Ella find each other in sufficient and good company; but I’d be willing to consider a special unanimous request from the two of them for another sibling. But, maybe just an old-fashioned singleton next time!

—Submitted by Gedalia (G’dali) Braverman,
Dad to Armstrong and Ella who were born November 19, 2008

We never planned nor expected to have twins, but we feel exceptionally fortunate to have the best of both worlds: a boy and a girl. It was a great hand of luck, which, minus the infertility part, has been our story from the beginning of this journey.

We knew we wanted kiddos, but like many couples wanting kids nowadays, we thought we had a good reason to postpone starting a family. Our plans were to travel the world, come back home and then grow kids. We sold everything we owned, bought two motorcycles and traveled across 30 countries over the span of three years before returning to San Francisco. Only later did we discover that infertility would be our issue.

We tried to conceive on our own for a year without luck. When we decided to get preliminary blood work to help solve our mystery, each test came back normal. Our prognosis wasn’t good: unexplained infertility.

I spent the next three weeks researching our fertility options online—looking at doctors and clinics, and comparing their success rates and patient reviews. During my research process, I learned how quickly the chances of having a family were dwindling for a couple of our age. A 40 year old healthy woman has around a 25% chance of a live birth through IVF. While a woman over 42 years of age, has a 5% or less chance of conceiving. I was almost 41 years old.

I felt very good about Pacific Fertility Center as all five of the doctors were researchers in the field of fertility with exceptional resumes. Furthermore, as practitioners, they seemed more experienced than most, in working with women past age 40. I chose the first doctor I spoke with, Doctor Ryan, based on her online profile. She was straightforward, and took the time to explain our treatment to us both verbally and visually (drawing out diagrams). She has a rare ability to conduct a professional yet personal relationship. She is genuinely warm, personable, and interested in her patients. Pierre and I knew after one meeting that we wanted to work with her.

The injections and the medications became a kind of ritual for us. The experience brought Pierre and I closer. Of the seven eggs collected, four developed into embryos. On the third day, all four were transferred and we started to wait, hopeful it would “work”. Six weeks later, late in the evening, I began to bleed and was sure I had miscarried. For the first time I realized what it meant to me to have a child. I wouldn’t let myself believe I had miscarried, but I also recognized the emotional tail-spin I’d go into if I had in fact lost the pregnancy. We both must have had the saddest night of our lives. Early the next morning, I went in for an emergency appointment. The image came up on the ultrasound screen and, within seconds, the doctor turned to me and exclaimed: “You have twins!” Pierre and I looked at each other elated. Twins! It was the best fortune imaginable.

Max and Emmanuelle are now 9 months old. We barely remember life before them. They are healthy, incredibly good-natured babies. Pacific Fertility Center was the best choice for us, but not entirely based on our (and Dr Ryan’s!) success. We knew it was a one-shot deal and the result, a girl and a boy, could not have been better.

For parents thinking about using IVF, I would recommend setting a limit in the number of attempts before you begin treatment. Knowing we were with the best doctors allowed us to approach the procedure in a more relaxed way. Knowing our odds, however, we did feel like this was our last hope. Now we find it more amusing and gratifying to find ourselves looking for our own characteristics in our kids. We see Max and Emmanuelle as little individuals who have been placed into our care, two beautiful and unique little people whose personas are going to blossom in front of our eyes.

We are incredibly grateful to Dr. Ryan and the team at PFC for allowing us to know the joy of giving birth. However, we are most grateful to be parents. Above all else, it is this unconditional love that lasts 18 years and beyond, that really defines parenthood. Even if your fertility issue doesn’t permit the use of your own genes, know that you still will be a very loving, loved and fulfilled parent.

–Submitted by Merritt Grooms